Mellow's Corner

Y’know what I’m sick of?  All of these “I hate being single,” cudding and kissing and lonely posts.  I’m single too, and I’m actually trying really hard to be ok with it, but those posts don’t help me in the least.  What’s even more irritating is the people that start talking to me and suddenly drop off the planet like we’ve never spoken.  What the heck am I supposed to do about that?  We had no falling out, but you definitely don’t want to talk to me.  I wish I understood crappy stuff like that so I could forget people as easily as they forget me.  Finally, I plan to unfollow the blogs that fill my dashboard with this crap.  If you find yourself unfollowed, I want you to know, I don’t have any personal feelings against you, for my own health I can’t stomach your posts any more, and it’s time for me to act in my own best interest.

Peace.

A long time ago, I knew a girl named Kathryn.  We met on xanga.  We were both in the same poetry group; still to this day, I find her poetry to be the best I have ever read.  I believe she though I wrote well, but we wrote poetry back and forth for a long time.  I owe a good sized portion of who I am today to her.  She pushed me to be a better writer and poet; she pushed me to be a person who accomplishes instead of dreams; she pushed me to think more practically and get to the root of issues; and she taught me not to be swayed by opposition.

At times, our relationship was romantic, and at others, we were close friends, and others we didn’t talk at all.  Any way it goes, I miss her very deeply.  I’ve had this lingering suspicion that the last thing I ever said to her in conversation was something unintentionally mean.  I’m not completely sure if this is what a repressed memory feels like, but it must: it feels like a memory of a dream that I have had.  In my mind, the dream goes like this: we are chatting on IM.  The termination of the conversation was preceded by “The only time you talk to me lately is when something’s wrong anyway.”  I’m not wholly sure what brought me to say that, but I’d imagine I was in some way provoked, though I have the impression that when I said it, I wasn’t very serious about it.

Since this started, I’ve scoured chat records to see if this really happened or not, but I’ve never found record of this conversation.  It seems like the last things we said had to do with a proposed trip to Chicago that didn’t end up happening.  I’ve messaged her a few times on facebook, but she doesn’t respond.  Keep in mind, this is spanning probably 1.5 years, not like all at once.  Well, I thought about her today out of the blue and figured I might see what she’s been up to on fb, but poof, she’s gone.  I can’t tell if she blocked me or deleted her fb or what, but there’s no record of her besides any message we sent back and forth.  I believe the last time I tried to contact her was April 28, but I never heard anything back.  I think short of some huge dramatic gesture, that would involve me finding her and going to where she is, I’ll never hear from her again.

Any thoughts?

you can’t feel accomplished.  When you try your hardest, but you don’t accomplish what you set out to do, it’s easy to feel that lack of fulfillment.  It’s easy to get down on yourself or to feel sad, or to be angry.  It’s more difficult to come to terms with the fact that not every battle can be won; that the results of every battle do not display how hard someone worked to lose; that the character of a person is not based solely on accomplishments or the lack thereof, but on the path that person took to try to achieve that accomplishment.  Friends will tell each other not to give up and to keep pushing towards their goal, but that’s not always the best choice; sometimes admitting defeat is the best way to focus on what’s really important.

Ok, so I finally got my printer in the mail today: the Epson Artisan 730.  I sat and waited all day and it finally came much later than I expected, but no worries.  I’m sure there must have been some reason for it to be so late.

Anyways, I used it to wirelessly scan the rest of my nursing notes into my computer.  OMG it scans so fast and quiet.  I didn’t realize all of the features this beast had until I got it today.  I knew it was wireless, had a scanner, and has automatic two sided printing.  It also prints photos, prints on CDs, and runs like a dream.  The only downside to it is it’s massiveness.  I anticipated putting it right where my old printer was, but it had other plans.  It is currently occupying (and will likely continue to occupy) half my desk space.  Frankly, I’m so happy that it fits the bill on everything else I wanted it to be that it’s size isn’t that major a negative.  We’ll see if I change my mind when I start desk shopping around the time I get my own place.

I love how empowering technology and the internet is.  I could make a cd (write music and lyrics, master it, burn it to a cd, and make the CD look professional, all) from the comfort of my own home.  I have no immediate plans to do so, but I like having that option.

I had planned to hear back from Microsoft about my XBL account, but that didn’t happen today.  I will be giving them a call tomorrow before I head in to work.

Alas, I digress.  I’m going to get some rest.  I might fall asleep to some corny dvd I’ll be getting rid of soon.  Good night, people.

Well, folks, I passed my final nursing course.  Soon, I’ll be a nurse.  With a major accomplishment like that, one would think I’d be jumping for joy, but frankly I don’t feel that right now.

I made a new friend (her name is Kelly).  She’s quite awesome and I think we’ll get along nicely.  We have similar interests and personalities, so I think we’ll be hanging out quite a bit in the near future.  As much as I like meeting new people and making new friends, I don’t feel that right now either.

It’s been a long day.  I worked 10 hours.  I do feel some of that tired in my marrow.  With the very little extra time I had today, I spent the majority of it eating.  I spent money that I don’t particularly have at the moment.  I felt that (slip in responsibility).  I get home and relax for a little bit before I got a serious phone call from a friend of mine.  She’s been going through a rough time over the last week or two, but I don’t feel she’s been totally forth coming with me, and she was looking to me for some sort of counsel.  That is what I’m really feeling right now: the sense that despite the joys I should be celebrating and despite the hard work I’ve put in and despite a minor financial nick for food, I feel like a failure because my friend is upset at me.

I explained that I didn’t think she was very forthcoming about everything, and perhaps it was my “tone of text,” but she took offense to what I wrote.  It brings to mind failure after failure and knots my stomach.  This isn’t the first time we’ve been a some sort of odds, but it seemed like things were going well for a while.  This isn’t a one time problem that’s come out of nowhere; this sense of not having the full story has presented itself a time or two before.  I think because of my being tired, I shared that sense.

It leads me to wonder if I really know the person I’m talking to at all.  I always tend to think the best of people.  I believe all people are reasonable, logical beings.  I believe people have reasons for doing the things they do no matter how horrible or how saintly.  I will give people the benefit of the doubt, and I will let people get as close to me as they wish.  I hardly ever know when to say enough, and even then, I typically cave in.  It’s compassion that allows me to be honest, though courtesy was overcome with exhaustion.  Honesty, however, gets people in trouble.

So, in the midst of everything that’s going on, sometimes there’s just not enough of me to go around.  And now, I’m supposed to sleep so I can go back to work again tomorrow.

-Mellow Ghost