Posts tagged forgiveness

At my core, I am a terrible, wicked person.  I have the capacity to do the worst things possible.  I can destroy feelings, relationships, and things that are meant to be sacred.  I am a sinner, corrupt and vile.

Jesus died on the cross and forgave me of what’s deep inside me.  He loves me despite the darkness that lives inside of me, and He is helping me to overcome that.  I still fail, but He is sovereign, gracious, forgiving, and merciful.

Am I awesome?  No, but He is, and He chose to live in me.  Anything good you see in me is only because He chose to redeem me from myself.  I’m sorry if I fail you.  I’m not perfect because I have forgiveness; I just keep trying to do the best I can.  I won’t dwell on the negative; it’s time to move on.

I think if I were represented mathematically, I wouldn’t make sense. In some equations I’m constant; there are parts of me that just don’t and won’t change. In other equations I’m a variable; I could turn the entire equation around.

One of the things I find constant about myself is disappointment. Reflecting back on everyone I’ve known, I’ve disappointed everyone I’ve cared about at least once in one way or another.

I disappointed a lot of friends and family by moving out of my parents house a while back and pursuing a girl that none of them liked. I was a variable in that equation in part because no-one would have anticipated that I would up-and leave my family. I was constant in that (though frustrated beyond what I had ever imagined) I loved my family and sought to include them in my life.

I disappointed my ex-fiance when I broke off the engagement with her. I was variable in that, their family didn’t expect that I would do that; but I was constant in that I never stopped loving Ashley and hating the decision I had to face.

I’ve disappointed people that have looked up to me by not being perfect or even exceptionally gifted at making the obviously right choice; and in that, I remain pretty constant, which keeps me a variable in pretty much any equation.

Disappointment hurts both sides; it just means someone’s expectations weren’t met. God’s expectations for us weren’t met, but He has given us the option to accept His forgiveness. I’m glad to know that no matter how many people I disappoint on this earth, the one that really matters has already forgiven me. There’s not anything I can do to take away from that. So, if I disappoint you, I apologize for hurting your feelings, but let it serve as a reminder that we have all fallen short of someone’s expectations and we all need that redemption.